Remembrance

“For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountaintop,then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs,then shall you truly dance.”
― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

a rembrance

It’s six months ago today that you went
back to the light,
to your true home.
I’ve thought about you every day since then.
I’ve set an intention to heal,
and even though I will never be the same,
I choose to honour you
with my life.
I will hold the memory of you
in my heart,
until we meet again
in paradise.

I’ve read books about grief and near death experiences,
trying to find my way into the realm where only joy exists,
that place where you now live.
I’ve joined the army of parents
who know this indescribable pain of loss.
I’ve cried until every part of me hurts.
I’ve questioned every one of my beliefs.
I’ve even stormed the gates of heaven to find you.
I’ve been to hell
and now I know it’s not a real place,
because God is love and He would never
torture those whom He loves
for eternity.

I have seen you in my dreams,
I won’t let you go,
you know me like that!

I’ve been led to people of light who have suffered
and survived,
wounded healers,
whose one desire
is to make this world a better place!
I’ve lit candles every Friday for the last six months.
I’ve pasted your picture on walls.
I still have some treasures that belong to you as a reminder
of how precious you are to me.

And in the stillness of the night,
I hear your voice,
reassuring me that you are still here,
watching over me.
You’ve held my hand
when I was at my lowest ebb,
and it was real!

I’ve searched the sky, the grasslands,
the forests, the rivers, the lakes,
and the ocean shore for signs of you
and you’ve sent me many gifts of love,
signs that no one can take away from a grieving parent.
But I don’t expect those who don’t know this pain
to understand.

I’m living now in a realm between two worlds,
a place occupied by Angels,
where iridescent light shines eternally.
And when living on this planet gets too hard for me to bear
I close my eyes,
and I see the inner light of glory,
the Kingdom of heaven.

I promise you that I will keep watch while I’m asleep,
and dream while I’m awake.
I don’t want to miss a thing.
The goodness and comfort of God surrounds me,
with a love that cannot be measured.
In the meantime I’ll keep forgiving
as you would want me to.
I’ll allow myself to be vulnerable
because
hey, it’s a beautiful thing
to be human the way we are meant to be,
just like you were
while you were here on Earth.
Your legacy is one of generosity and light.

You’ll be glad to know that I’ve tuned out the naysayers,
they are background noise to me now,
and those who pass judgment have been brought to their knees
in the presence of such grace.
You have done your work here on Earth
and I can hear God say
“good and faithful servant
in spite of your pain
you loved
and you forgave!”

You didn’t pass by the homeless
or the broken,
you looked into their eyes,
the way the master did while he was here on Earth
and you had great compassion!

So, as long as I have breath in me,
I will keep on keeping on
and I will take just one day at a time!
I will forever honour your memory,
and be thankful for our time together.
You and your brother are the bravest humans I have ever known.

My beloved son,
I will always be proud to be your Mother!

©AllysoAlly2018

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15 thoughts on “Remembrance

  1. Ally, I can’t begin to understand how difficult it must be for you. But know this…you words, and testimony are so heartfelt, courageous, and beautiful. Thank you for sharing…and reminding all of us what is truly special and meaningful in life.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I sure am glad I had some kleenex handy whilst reading this!!! I can’t imagine losing a child. You have been so strong and unyielding in your faith, and brave ever so brave for taking your readers on this excruciating journey wirh you. Not that what happened to my grandson is in anyway the same as your loss. But we, as did he, learned what hell was like and survived.
    As it happened when he was about 10, he was sexually molested several times by a minister in the church my daughter, her family, and we attended. But he managed to bury it so deep in his consciousness that it was not discovered until he began cutting himself and attempting suicide. So he had to be hospitalized and over the next 5 months slowly but surely they helped him remember and begin the healing process. It broke all of our hearts that someone had done this to him and he will bear the scars of it all his life. But he gets better and better as the weeks and months move on. He is 16 now and I cry with joy and thanksgiving every time I hear him laugh again. I shared this with you tonight because I knew what it was like somewhat when every mother or grandmother’s worst nightmare became a reality. Love and hugs and blessings Ally, Natalie 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing this story, Natalie…
      When this kind of thing happens, I believe there is also a process of grief that the family goes through. Grief isn’t just about death, it is also about loss.
      It was indeed hell that you all experienced and I’m so sorry that your grandson went through such a horrendous ordeal. It is every parent’s worst nightmare.
      I’m so glad he is healing because sometimes it is so difficult to overcome.
      He’s so lucky to have a beautiful Grandmother like you. Love and hugs to you to Natalie xoxoxoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss…but so thankful for the way you’re using your words and poetry to reach out to so many… I love how beauty can spring up from even the depth of grief and loss. Oh, and it seems to me your sons aren’t the only courageous ones in the family…Thank you so much for sharing so beautifully and bravely…<3

    Liked by 1 person

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