Mercy is falling…..

And … who would we be, and how would we feel, and how would we live life … if we choose to believe that “our” God ONLY allows each of us to die “right on time.
― Tom ZubaPermission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief

my teacher

At times as a griever I beat myself up over what I could have, should have done to save my son, but the words of Tom Zuba’s book “Permission to Mourn” brings me back to reality……..

Drifting through seas of anguish,
on unrelenting tides,
unable to catch my breath,
I let out a cry….
“Have mercy Lord,
I can’t stand this pain!”
Shattered in a million pieces,
going insane!

Your words sprung out and rescued me
from dark pits of despair;
I stumbled into a knowing,
and whispered in silent prayer.

“Forgive yourself for failing;
to see the signs,
for only God appoints
the hour,
the day,
and the time”

I heard you say there was nothing,
nothing I could do,
to prevent the death
of my son,
and all that he went through!

In an instant
I realized
that I should trust his soul
forever my teacher,
guiding me to be whole.

I miss his face,
I miss his laugh,
I miss his physical form,
on pitch dark nights
I stare out,
hoping to weather this storm.

I’ve seen a glow on the horizon,
that he still exists.
I’m surrounded by hosts of Angels,
sacred gifts…..


15 thoughts on “Mercy is falling…..

  1. Another amazing piece dear Ally. Your son’s life was in God’s hands from the get go and had there been a way for you to save him, the Lord would have made is ever clear to you as to how to do tha. I cannot even imagine the anquish you are feeling, but we both know that your son is in the Lord’s hands now and you will see him again. In the meantime, the Lord has touched you with grace upon grace in the instances when you feel His presence and that of your sons. I know ypu will make it through this and in the meantime you are sharing so much with others that need to hear and see. Not everyone is as atuned to the Lord’s voice and presence and they need to feel it through you so they too have hope and draw closer to the Lord. None of uis get to choose much of what befalls us, but He gives us the strength and wisdom to use it to serve a purpose. We know little of the Divine mystery of things, but you my friend get and give huge glimpses into some of it. And that is a gift few receive. I wish I had better words to help you cope but I don’t except to say I love you and pray for you through this terrible trial. Hugs and blessings, N 🙂 ❤ xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words Natalie. I’m so glad you feel the same way…that none of us get to choose much of what befalls us. I think we get to choose how to react to it though.
      Grief comes in waves, and many of the feelings I have are common. The wishing I could have done things differently.
      It is quite a long story but the day before he passed he told me he wasn’t feeling well but that he would be alright. He was always the kind of person who didn’t like to make a fuss so I trusted his judgement.
      I am going to write a memoir about him, mostly because it will be cathartic and maybe I will publish it….
      Your words always make me feel understood…thanks for being such a sweet heart. Lots of love xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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