Belonging

“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”― Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

black sheep

All my life I sought to belong.
I craved it with an insatiability
that only left me lonely
and inconsolable.

Unable to feel it, or touch it
or even live it,
I spent my whole life trying to find it
somewhere outside of myself.

Waking up in a world that was alien to me
I was compelled to belong,
to fit in,
believing that to belong meant I couldn’t be myself.

From very small I came to understand
that daring to show the real me,
the unambitious me,
meant to be unloved
and maybe even disowned!

So I tried to remold myself,
doing almost anything I could
to be accepted,
even changing myself to suit the desires of others.
I dreamed up ways to be validated,
to be visible,
anything to appear successful.

Being found in dishonesty,
adrift from myself,
among impenetrable masks
made me a fraud,
and I detected hypocrisy,
but I was too afraid to speak out,
to mouth the words of my hidden shame.

As an underachiever
I was displaced,
invisible
and not worthy of praise.

Life took its toll
and I kept falling apart
more and more,
the real me was fragmenting.

I cried out against the
incessant tides
of superficiality,
for I had come to loathe falsehood,
but I never managed to cross the divide
between whom I was and whom I thought I should be.

Would this be my life’s quest… to emulate those I admired?

I blame no one for this
I had fallen into the trap
of worldly expectations.

My inherent nature lay dormant
all the while
thrashing about
wanting to be known
and seen.

Now all these years later
I wake up and ask myself,
“Why would I desire to belong to such falsity
and for so long?”

Have I become so lost
in the terror of rejection
and separation
that I grabbed at my only means to belong?

The narrative I had created
was to shame myself
and to pronounce myself a failure,
this way
I never had to live up to anything!

In loosing so much of my life
and being shattered
into shards
I lost control
in the mayhem.

With no choice left but to let go….
and literally
let God….

I allowed Him to divinely reconstruct my broken pieces
and make me so radiant,
so magnificent,
that even I
sometimes
gasp at the glow!

©AllysoAlly2018
 

 

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8 thoughts on “Belonging

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